i've come to expect almost anything of you. really. i didn't think much would surprise me. but this?
"people put celebrities on a pedestal and act like they're perfect," fergie tells blender magazine. "but i'm more like the people's artist - the same way diana was 'the people's princess.' i'm a little more human than other artists. i'm not afraid to show my flaws."
you're like diana? princess diana? the british one?
y'know, i'm fairly certain diana never pissed herself during a performance in front of thousands of fans. but then again, i was never all that great at history.
shortly after, xtina decided to showcase her baby bump.
and who could forget j.lo and the billowing monstrosities she donned on-stage in an attempt to conceal the bun in her oven?
then baby spears (literally, a baby) admitted to being preggers.
and now, joining the super cool celebrity mommies club:
so the real question is, when this baby pops out, will we still see such crazy allen antics as bailing on tour dates only to go out later that night and request that friends carry her out of the club in a paper shopping bag?
he's hot. he's buff. and we all want to rip his clothes off with our teeth. and now, david beckham's wife, the belovedly 'major' posh spice, has revealed that her delicious husband's big ben, is, well.. big.
according to wicked youth, vicky beckham responded to allegations that her hubby's bulge was digitally enhanced in the new emporio armani underwear ads. "i'm proud i still have a really good sex life with david. he is very much in proportion. he does have a huge one, though. he does. you can see that in the advert. it is all his. it is like a tractor exhaust pipe!"
oh brit brit.. i just caught a glimpse of you new video for piece of me, and let me tell you.. i thought you looked phenom. of course, you're still far from redemption, but i'll give it to ya: your hair look washed, your outfit was smokin, and i'm super stoked that the video wasn't 3 1/2 minutes of you half assedly dry-humping a pole. granted, you weren't doing all that much dancing, not as much as i'd like, but you looked good.
but i digress.
so last week our lady of a million wigs decided to bail on her scheduled depo, citing an illness, but later was spotted at not one, but two gas stations, and a four seasons hotel.
brit.. honey.. baby.. i've stood by you for a while. but even you can't be so retarded that you don't realize you can't fart without it being splashed across the front page. what made you think you could pull off a night on the town without everyone knowing?
and now, k-fed's lawyer appears to be ready to request that britney lose all custody until completing her depo.
but for some reason, i really don't think brit cares all that much about regaining custody.
for those of you who, much like myself, found themselves on the brink of tears upon discovering that last night's desperate housewives was in fact, a repeat, and not the much-anticipated conclusion (during which someone dies) to the jaw-dropping hurricane episode, fret not: sources say the episode is slated to air on january 6.
britney spears finally senses up some and hired a driver to help save the lives of countless citizens (and i'm sure the recent court order preventing her from driving with her children had little to do with the decision to hire this driver). but less than a week later, he's ready to quit. and the reason: shocking!
apparently driving with britney can be hazardous, because every now and then a couple of photogs follow her, disobey common sense and legal rules of the road, all while trying to get a picture of our lovely pop princess in distress.
lindsay lohan entered jail a troubled woman. but 84 minutes later, she left jail a changed woman.
well, according lilo's mom, dina pay-attention-to-me lohan. "lindsay has been given a new start and will put this behind her."
now, call me crazy, but i'm thinking that the few months lilo spent in rehab is probably a little bit more pivotal to her recovery, and a far more appropriate symbol of the start of her new life (provided she keeps clean).
everyone's favorite crackstar, courtney love, is contemplating following in radiohead's path, giving away new music (she's recording an album?) to fans for free. "i'm grateful for radiohead for making the first move. i'd do it differently. that's why b-sides are no longer b-sides, but have to be a-sides, to an extent. i love risk, and most everything i've ever done well has been because everyone said i was crazy to do it. that's why words like 'risk management' and 'time management' are resonating with me now."
she later began responding to questions with "where am i?" and "who the hell are you?!"
first of all, does it piss anyone else off that the names on video cases NEVER line up with the order of the stars in the picture? seriously, what the fuck?
second, is it me, or did someone go airbrush crazy on ms hudson's torso? her waist goes in so far, her rather slender shoulders resemble those of a linebacker. bitch looks ready to take out matthew mcconaughey.
kate, if that is really you and not the product of an over-zealous computer geek creating his ideal-but-not-achievable girlfriend, then i have this bit of advice for you: EAT A FUCKIN CHEESEBURGER!
vh1 loud-mouth new york was caught on the streets being loud and stupid. shocking. upon learning that the cameras focused on her heaving bosoms were none other than tmz, the outspoken complaintress exclaimed how happy she was to be the focus of tmz's attentions.
a judge has ruled that britney can no longer drive with her kids in the car.
seriously, what the fuck? i've been cut off by bitches driving while chatting on their cell phones with kids in the car, and there's no way anything would happen to them. but because she's high-profile and stalked by blood-thirty photogs, she's stripped of this for a one-time offense?
i'm not saying she's perfect, but goddamn, cut the girl a break.
parker hon, i love you, but them's some fucked up heels. i don't care if marc jacobs says they're hot, or if you're one of the more fashion-savvy actresses in the industry, i just don't like them. heels are called heels because that's where they belong: on your heel.
also, not quite digging that karate kid-inspired wrap dress bathrobe thing you're wearing. please think twice next time you put your outfit together, kthx.
m.j. knows that the majority of her fans are fruits, and she's cool with that. in fact, the queers have been the inspiration for a remix album. planned tracks for the album include "deep inside (your butt)," "beautiful one (in my pants)," and "the love i never had (i give myself)."
ryan phillippe fagged out hardcore in an interview with a u.k. magazine, detailing the emotional turmoil he experienced after divorcing his wife of seven years, reese witherspoon. "after the divorce, i was a physical wreck. i wanted to die. i was ready to kill myself. i was not taking care of myself at all. i would wake up and cry and vomit." phillippe continued, saying, "when i was younger, i didn't have enough to cry about. but since i've had kids, i feel my work has become better, because my life is fuller and more complicated, and i've experienced so many highs and lows."
sultry singing sensation rihanna was reportedly asked to leave her cousin's wedding for being an scantily clad attention whore. the singer arrived at the wedding of cousin nigel almstrom in barbados on october 27, blowing kisses to fans as she entered the church and prominently displaying her side boobs for all to see. the couple-to-be couldn't stand the diva bitchiness and, after having words with the pop star, miss rihanna was asked to leave.
other guests of the wedding protested, as rihanna's side boobage would have made sitting through a boring ceremony worthwhile.
in what can only be described as the single most important thing to ever happen (EVER), women's wear daily has reported that superstar adonis david "do me" beckham has been hired by giorgio armani to shoot an underwear campaign which will debut in fashion magazines starting in january.
america's favorite mess is auctioning an autographed copy of her latest cd, blackout, on ebay. 100% of the proceeds will be donated to unicef, an organization dedicated to aiding children in need around the world.
jacko doesn't deserve an image (plus, this is far more appealing to the eye).
in an interview with mtv, jack nicholson whined like a 4-year-old denied the right to a delightful cookie snack. when asked what he felt about hottie heath leger taking on the role of the new joker for the upcoming batman movie, nicholson seemed surprised they didn't offer the job to him first. "they never asked me about a sequel with the joker," nicholson said. "i know how to do that! nobody ever asked me."
oh. i'm sorry. i didn't realize an overweight 70-year-old grandpa could still pull of the role of the svelte, suit-donning joker.
nicholson continued to bitch, saying the joker was a role he was always meant to play, that maybe he's wrong for how he feels but he's still "furious," and that he has no intention of seeing the film.
wah wah jack. may your millions of dollars and 3 oscars comfort your poor, bleeding heart.
btw: enough with the sunglasses at night. you're not that cool.
spencer pratt, best known for being an attention-seeking camera whore with fellow whoreface heidi montag, is allegedly attempting to secretly leak a sex tape he made in brazil, masquerading the release as a mistake.
denying the claims, spencer slyly whored himself out to promote another project of his: "i was never on camera, and there is no sex tape. however, i did go to brazil three years ago to film a jujitsu tournament for a documentary."
if the tape is released, sources say that it's sure to be chock full of aw yeeea baby's, mmm you like that babe's, and tell me i'm pretty's.
finally. after what has felt like years and years and maybe even eons in limbo, project runway is ready to air. season 4 has finished filming, leaving our favourite brit (notice how i spelled favorite all british-like in honor of timmy???) with this to say: "this is the first season I've said any one of the designers is talented enough to win the entire season."
jessica simpson and owen wilson were spotted dining together at the huntley hotel in santa monica late last month, and again this week at nyc's waverly inn. according to eye-witnesses, there was laughter, arm-touching, and the all-powerful love clue: hair-tossing. is this a new love match? only time will tell.
in a shocking revelation, the associated press has reported that britney spears spends a lot of money. i know! i'm left speechless, myself. maybe it's because she always wears the same pair of d&g sunglasses, but i always thought britney was a frugal spender. so what does our troubled pop princess spend a good chunk of her $737,000 monthly income on? let's take a look, shall we? each month, britney spends:
$49,267 to pay the mortgages on her two homes $16,000 on clothes (totes jelly) $102,000 on "entertainment, gifts and vacation" $4,758 eating out (taco bell is expensive, y'all) $20,000 spousal support (which will end nov. 15, thank god) $15,000 in child support aaand a meager $500 in charitable contributions
it's amazing. provided britney can produce a video that surpasses gimme more, which shouldn't be hard, and can unleash a tremendous new tour (or a fantastic live performance somewhere), guaranteed the girl will put forth a comeback that will far outdo mariah's mimi bullshit.
source: me. because my opinion is all that matters.
okay, so apparently the last bond film starred this beefcake, daniel craig, and someone forgot to send me the memo. thank god i found out, because he has reportedly been signed on to film four more bond films.
in a shocking twist of events, britney spears has done something controversial.
please. take a moment to process.
new promotional photos from her new album, blackout, on sale tomorrow (!!!), have shook things up in the house of jesus. spears, donning what appears to be a shirt-dress, natch, and a rosary, is pictured seducing a stunningly handsome priest.
gimme gimme, more britney. you keep renewing my faith in you (not that i ever truly lost it).
brooke shields had the distinct pleasure of calming her daughter, rowan henchy (pictured above attempting to shoot fire from her eyes), on the set of disney channel's hannah montana, after the indignant 4-year-old suffered from a bout of jealousy at the sight of her mommy playing the role of another young girl's mother.
shields guest-starred as the deceased-but-come-back-to-life-for-a-heart-to-heart mother of ms montana, played by miley cyrus. apparently the show's writers had the audacity to force shields to refer to her on-screen daughter-for-a-day as "baby girl," setting the young wannabe fire-starter into a jealous frenzy, shouting "that's my mama for real life!" baby girl is the real life nickname shields calls young rowan.
suddenly susan was able to calm her daughter down by introducing her to cyrus; the 4-year-old was content, but only after reaffirming her parental ownership.
the internet's favorite southern crybaby, chris crocker, has donned his sunday best and set out for a night on the town, mirroring the past antics of britney & paris, flashing his mangina all over the place.
trust me, you're better off seeing the censored version.
further proof that celebs are superior than normal humans and can get away with everything, orlando bloom will not be charged with a hit-and-run, despite filmed evidence that documented his fleeing from the scene of an accident, leaving behind a passenger with a fractured neck; monsieur bloom was behind the wheel, and may not have returned to the scene if not for the persistent paparazzi (i guess since they cause so many accidents, they're experts on proper protocol post-accident).
and despite allegations that bloom may have been a few sheets to the wind, being that no breathalyser was given, they determined his erratic behavior is to be attributed to being "dazed."
well, he certainly ain't no daniel radcliffe, but lily allen's pot-smoking lil brother, alfie, is the next alan stang in the play, equus. i'm about ready to stage a protest, because seriously, what gives? whatever, peter shaffer thinks he gave a great performance in atonement, but um, how does that guy above compare to this?:
after what is destined to be the most famous court case in the history of court cases, britney and kevin finally faced off today in what promises to be a custody battle of epic proportions. with security tighter than a virgin vagina, no footage was allowed in the courtroom, though at the end, britney reportedly left looking distraught, while dad-of-the-year and all-star rapper k-fed was all smiles.
brit, hon, keep it up. it took a lot to make federline look like the better parent, but it shouldn't take much to fix that.
it should also be noted that britney was awarded bonus points in this round for not flashing her coochie snorcher when getting out of her car.
despite stories that america's formerly favorite airhead was looking for apartments in manhattan, it seems jessica simpson decided to nix the big apple for the country capital of the world, tennessee, to continue drawing in inspiration for her next album. too bad; i was looking forward to many happy afternoons of stalking her as i struggle to capture a lackluster image of her on my cell phone after having left my camera at home again because i can never seem to remember it.
court officials said that all cameras, recording devices and cell phones are strictly forbidden from tomorrow's court hearing between britney spears & ex-moocher keven federline. anyone lucky enough to attend tomorrow's festivities will have to forfeit any such device at one of two security check-ins.
i still expect to see images of the hearing surface tomorrow.
oh, and apparently he wrote a book too. neat. if you feel so inclined, the former n*sync singer (and can you believe it, the only one out after all this time??) will be appearing at the following venues:
10/24/07, 7:00pm, bookends - ridgewood, nj 10/25/07, 8:00pm, outwrite books – atlanta, ga 10/26/07, 6:00pm, books & books - coral gables, fl 10/27/07, 7:00pm, borders books – winter park, fl 10/28/07, 7:00pm, borders books – dallas, tx 10/29/07, 7:30pm, borders books – chicago, il 10/30/07, 7:00pm, books inc. - san francisco, ca
sure, there's been speculation for months now, each rumor brutally rebuffed with denial. but now, it's getting a little too hard to conceal the truth. heroes star milo ventimiglia reportedly gave kind-of-annoying-but-i-guess-i-like-her costar hayden panettiere an 18-karat gold tiffany ring for her hey-now-i-can-bang-ya-legally birthday celebration. oh, and reportedly, there was one karat per year of her life. how freaken sweet!
the ring, a woven number with a heart, apparently cost $1,950, which really isn't all that much for a strictly platonic friendship, right?
oh, and did i mention, the ring, according to in touch weekly, is inscribed with "sweet like hayden."
seriously? is that the best you could come up with milo? i mean, don't get me wrong, i'd hit it. but uh, please, refrain from articulating your thoughts, thanks.